Chapter 25

Mike

        “So, what? He just threatened to kill me or take me away from you and Dad? You all felt  it was better to have my poor excuse of a grandpa come here and watch over us?” I bellow to my mother who’s sitting there at the table flinching every time I raise my voice. She’s gotta know by now that I would never lay a hand on her. I feel like crap making her flinch, but I’m so damn pissed off. Even Elena is scared to make eye contact with me. “You felt like having my ass beaten would be the better option?”

            At that last question, my mother finds her fire. Those hazel eyes scold me as if demons possessed her. “One, I didn’t know what was happening to you!” She yells at me with tears watering down her fury. “Two, it was the better option because you are alive, Michael. You are here and you are not dead in only God knows where. So don’t come into this house assuming that my actions were set to hurt you or betray you, or even make you believe that I never loved you or put you first. All I have ever done was look out for you in the best ways that I could. I am sorry for not being around often while you were younger; I should have noticed the signs that you were being abused by your grandpa Chuck. I should have. As a mother I should have been around more. I did what I could. I tried to make sure that food was on the table and that we wouldn’t lose our house.”

            “Coulda, woulda, shoulda, Mom.”

            Slap. She moved so fast out of her chair that I swear, I didn’t even see her cross the space between us to slap my face.

            “Jack had to leave and for a long time I thought he was gone. I didn’t hear from him for years. To be honest, sometimes it hurt looking at you because all I would see was Jack. It nearly killed me to look into your eyes because all I could wonder about was whether or not your father was alive. If he was alive, was he suffering? Was he dead? Will I ever see him again? It was a dark time for me, too. As a child you never should have been exposed to any of it… but you were. I can’t fix any of that.” Her demeaner softens. “I never saw those bruises,” she pauses and closes her eyes. “I never once thought that he would hurt you.  I have failed you and I don’t know how many times I can say that I’m sorry, but I’m so very sorry Mikey. I love you, honey. I always have and it breaks my heart that you think otherwise. Do you think you could ever forgive me?”

            Shifting my sights to Elena, I think about that question. It’s a loaded one. How can I ask for forgiveness from the woman I love when I can’t even forgive my own mother? It wasn’t her fault that I had to scrape my way out of the deepest circle of hell, just like how it’s not my fault that Elena’s father got murdered.

 Yet here we are.

Now she’s in that hell. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to help her out of it.

I glare back at the woman who is my mother. “I don’t know.” Cool off, Mike. Shoving past her, I open the slider and step outside onto the faded deck, into the cool night, spring air.

            There’s muffling inside between my mother and Elena. I need to clear my head and not listen to what’s being said. With two long strides to the side, I land in the backyard and follow the sound of the waves. In no time, I’m on the beach and walk straight for the water.

            Planting myself in the sand, I focus on the vastness of how the ocean and the dark sky become one. You can’t even tell where the sky ends, and the water begins. I swear the temperature dropped a few degrees from the back deck to here.

            I shove a hand through my hair as I begin to reflect on my life’s choices. When did I get so messed up? When did I start believing that I never deserved or had anyone’s love? How did I get to where I am?

            My gramps really did a number on me. I’ve tried so hard to fight the darkness, but it was just so easy to fall into the rhythm of despair, disappointing my mother, adrenaline, living and thriving in the fast lane, and just being able to do whatever the hell I wanted when I wanted to. It’s a vicious cycle and it sucks you in.

            Living without a care in the world because no one expects anything less from you at that point.

            What does Elena expect?

            When I left Mom’s house for good and joined the club under Scott, my mother was furious. She was hurt that I left home in the first place and she was crushed when I stopped coming back, because frankly, her house wasn’t a home for me. She couldn’t understand and she didn’t understand until I finally told her what Grandpa Chuck had done to me for all those years. It was around the time he got sick and she refused to just let him die on his own.

            I tsk at the ground and throw a wad of sand off to the side. If she loved me so much, then why did she not just dump his ass on the street when he got sick after hearing everything he’d done to me? It’s not like he was her father. He was my dad’s dad for crying out loud.

            Damn her good heart.

            Elena has a good heart too… She’s tried dumping my ass on the street, but I won’t let her.

            What did Grandpa have over my mother to where she couldn’t feel like she could leave him alone to die like he deserved? Maybe my grandpa and I are more alike than I thought.

            A shiver rips through my body at the thought that I’m anything like him.

            Maybe nothing. Maybe my mother is just a kind soul to everyone, no matter who you are or what you’ve done...

             I groan and toss my head. Women. I will never understand them. Gazing up at the sky, I notice a few dark clouds start to break away to reveal a soft blanket of stars. It really is a beautiful night; too bad it’s wasted on ugly truths. Truths that needed to be heard for Elena and myself… but still. It all just sucks.

            Just as I sigh, I hear footsteps crunching the sand a couple feet away. Glancing over my shoulder, I see Elena stop in her tracks then hesitate to move forward. I gaze back over the water as she kneels beside me then crosses her legs like a pretzel.

            Out of the corner of my eye I observe her as she looks out onto the dark water; soaking up the pitch-black beauty with the subtle outline of the waves from the moon just peeking out to give just enough light to even notice the reflection.

            “How are you doing?” Elena asks me so quietly; I almost don't hear her.

            I don’t look at her. Instead, I inhale deep and shrug. Talked out – I’m talked out.

            She’s not, apparently. “That was some heavy stuff back there.” She pauses and to my surprise scoots closer to me. With a quick glance, I see she put on a light knit grey sweater over her – my AC/DC t-shirt - I saw her wearing it in the house - with her capri jeans. The same capri jeans that I’ve mentioned to her before about how her ass looks in the faded light blue fabric. A tug pulls up at the corner of my mouth at the silent gesture that she still thinks of me – maybe even still wants me in her life…

            The sweater seems kind of thin, maybe she just scooted closer because she’s cold. All I have on is a cut-off black tee, black jeans, and my boots. I have nothing to offer her for warmth other than me. She wouldn’t want that though.

            “I know you’re mad at her for everything, but I think you should forgive her,” she says.

            I turn my head to see her face. She seems genuinely concerned for how I must be feeling and probably feels bad for me and my family issues.

            Pity.

            Hate it.

            “You expect me to forgive her when you can’t even forgive me? Seems hypocritical, Elena,” I slightly scold, half-joking then glance back at the ocean. I’m serious, but I don’t want to fight, yet at the same time I’d like an answer from her.

Instead of answering me, she softly says, “I don’t blame you for what happened to my dad.”

I look at her again. She doesn’t? Relief floats off my shoulders. “You don’t?”

She shakes her head. “You didn’t pull the trigger. You didn’t bring him there. You didn’t tie him up. It wasn’t your fault.”

For a moment, I feel like I can finally breathe. “It felt like you did.”

Elena shakes her head once before looking down at her entangled hands. “I was-am hurting. In the span of twenty-four hours, I lost my relationship with you and lost my dad. I needed to blame someone, and I needed to be mad at someone. So, I was mad at you.”

“You’re not mad anymore, then?” I ask with too much hope.

“I’m not sure.”

Quietly, I ask my silent prayer. “Does this mean you forgive me?”

“No.” No hesitation.

“Have you forgiven my mother and your father for what they did to us both?”

            “Yes.” Again, no hesitation.

            With a huff, I snap my head back to the water. “Why?”

            She takes a moment to reel in her words then says, “Because their intentions were good. My dad and your mom were trying to look out for us. Though it was messy and wrong… they did it all out of love.” With a tiff I look over the shoulder opposite of her. “You, didn’t. You tricked me into falling in love with you so you could do your job better. So, you could keep me close. Your intentions started in the wrong place. I’m sure as time went on you really did feel like you were falling in love with me, but it all started with a lie. You say that you love me, but… do you see why I’m so unsure?”

            I don’t answer her, but I do move my gaze to her and lock my jaw.

            “You broke my trust.” She places a light touch to my arm. “Like I’ve said before. I want to forgive you, Mike. I do. I just need to be able to trust you again, first.”

            “What can I do?” I ask, near pleading.

            “For starters, you can tell me what you’ve been up to lately and maybe tell me why you didn’t want to sleep with me that night we met up at Charlie's…”

            Another sigh leaves me. So much has happened. This is a test and I can’t fail, but she doesn’t have to know all the truths. Does she?

            With a shrug of a shoulder, I lean back into the sand to bear weight on my hands. Where – oh – where do I start?

            “I didn’t sleep with you because you were drunk. I didn’t want you to remember it in the wrong way in the morning. I wanted to; but I figured it would just be a bad idea. Also, honey, you asked me to literally bang you. That would have been your second time having s*x… I don’t think you’re ready for something like that yet.” I answer her honestly. She was drunk and not in her right mind. I also didn’t want to hurt her by doing something her body wasn’t ready for.

            The dim moonlight hardly shows me her face, but I’m sure she’s glowing a bright red right now. The audible gulp I hear confirms it.

            “Oh.” She rubs her arms. So, I scoot closer to her.

            My brows knit together as I ask, “Why did you want me to take you like that anyway?” It’s a question that has been constantly chewing away at me.

            “I…” She brushes her hair away from her face and clears her throat. “Lately, I’ve been feeling dead inside. Getting adrenaline rushes seem to help me feel more alive…”

            “Hmm.” I don’t know what else to say because I know exactly how she feels. For the longest time in my life, that’s how I felt anything at all. “I get it.”

            “You do?” she asks with a shiver in her voice – I’m guessing it’s from the cold.

            “More than you know.”

            I start to put my arm around her, then stop myself to ask, “Is this okay?” I know she’s chilly, it’s killing me that I can’t just wrap her up in my arms like a burrito – not without her permission anyway.

            She nods her head; I thank God above as I bring my arm up, around her waist, and over her arm. She’s snug against me – right where she belongs.

            “Despite what you may think, I don’t necessarily hate you.” Her head falls in the nook of my shoulder.

            I lean my cheek on the top of her head as I can’t help but smile. “That’s good to hear.”

            “Was our date real? The one in the field of wildflowers. Or was that just a part of your plan?” She asked with a tinge of uneasiness.

A smile spreads on my face at the memory – that was a good day. Probably one of the best days I’ve ever had with a woman. “Kitten, that date was real. That was the week I fell in love with you, I wanted to take you out on a proper, real date.” I pause when I remember what I told her when I tried to break things off with her because it was what her dad wanted. “I’m sorry again for making you believe that I put that date together because I felt sorry for you. That wasn’t true. Your father told me that I had to break it off with you. So, I acted like an ass. I’m very sorry, sweetheart.”

My girl turns her face up to look at me. “He asked you to do that?”

I nod with a strong frown.

She sighs and gazes back at the sea. “I should have known. He was a little on the cheery side when it happened.”

Hugging her nice and close, I plant a kiss of hope on the top of her head. Hope for our future, for a second chance. “You’re still the best kiss I ever had.”

“Really?” She beams up at me. I give her a warm smile. A kiss would be inappropriate. Right? I mean… I really wanna kiss her so bad. My gaze slips to her heart-shaped lips – I miss those lips being on mine. I cannot help myself because before I know it, my body is leaning closer to hers. Just when I think she’ll give in to the kiss that I’m starving for, she gives me the slyest smile that says you’ll have to work harder then turns her head away, taking that luscious mouth with her.

I smirk and follow her gaze to the moonlit water. A beat later, she mentions, “You still never told me what you’ve been up to.”

            You're right. I was hoping she’d forget.

            Don’t mention Kara. Don’t mention Kara.

            “Working for Randall. He has me do these odd jobs.” She doesn’t need to know that I killed a man in his early twenties against my will – not like that makes it any better. “Like, picking up and dropping off packages at his every beck n’ call.”

            “What would happen if you stopped?” She yawns.

            My throat feels thick. “I can’t stop. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.” Even I can hear the weight of that in my voice.

            “Why not?”

            “Your life and my mom’s life are dependent on it.” She deserves to know. I will never hide anything like that from her again. If I’m going to win her back, I need to be up front about anything that has to do with her life.

            She doesn’t need to know about Kara because I’m not even sure that baby is mine. When I find out for certain…then I’ll tell her. At least, I like to think that I will…